Your Future Dreams Broken
by Rb
Summary: Sort of an anti-romance...what do you do when the love isn't enough anymore?


This is probably a break from my normal style of fics for this couple, obviously. No, this fic was not inspired by my column -- actually, my friend (who shall remain nameless) and I were talking about a possible situation like this while I was writing the column, and the idea wouldn't go away. It's written partly in past tense and partly in present tense, which is something that may not have meshed too well. I apologize if it seems awkward.  
  
The title comes from a partially-translated title of the song I listened to the most while writing this. The song's called "Kimi ga Yume Mitai Mirai," and my friend translated it as "Your Future Dreams Something." I filled in the last word as I wanted to for the fic. I don't make any allusions to the title in the fic, but I think that if you think a moment, you'll get it.  
  
I am still a fan of the couple in this fic, and who knows, I may write a sequel bringing them back together. Or I might not. Depends on my mood and how many little buggers beg me for a sequel (and, because I'm naturally contrary, if you bug me, I probably won't write any sequel. CAVEAT, READER!)  
  
Obviously, I don't own anything or anyone mentioned or involved in this fanfic.  
  


**Your Future Dreams Broken  
by Rb**  


  
What do you do...when you think it's supposed to be together forever, but it's not? How do you say, "I _loved_ you," to someone who trusts you?   
  
I loved her. She was my heart, my soul, the root of all bad poetry combined. But my love isn't enough to help her. Her love isn't enough anymore to strengthen me. We can't help each other any more.   
  
Is the love gone forever, or just dormant, unable to cope with the battles we have every day? Aren't the good times, the memories of diamond and gold, enough to keep a love alive?  
  
But I'm dragging her down, an anchor of dead weight. She's so reckless because I'm in danger so much. She scares me because I don't understand her. The rips betweren us are lengthening, our faith in each other weakened.  
  
I flew towards her window. God, I wish this could come at a different place. This place, however, seems natural for us, even ironic. It was open. I flew in and perched on her window sill.  
  
She was studying, sitting on her desk, a biology book open in front of her. "Oh, hi, Tobias." Her voice was an even monotone, betraying nothing, feeling nothing. Was she happy, was she mad? I used to be able to read her...  
  
My eyes glared at her, through her. < Hello, Rachel. >  
  
"What's up?" she asked.   
  
I stared at her. She's still beautiful, beauty beyond belief. A model. I knew too much about her to say that beauty is skin deep, because she's a beautiful person. Inside.  
  
But she's more, so much more. She's a warrior, a drug addict of adrenaline...and it's changed her inner beauty into something harder, fiercer. Uglier.  
  
Why can't love conquer all?  
  
The Yeerk sub-visser, Taylor...Rachel...alike in so many ways, I couldn't believe it. And it broke a bit of the trust, because a lot of the potential for what Taylor is could be seen in Rachel. And Rachel has been getting crueler, colder to everyone...  
  
If I give anything at all to her, it's humanity. Ironic, from me. I give her all I've got, shouldn't she be getting warmer, less of a killing machine? And if what she gives me is strength, then shouldn't I be getting stronger, instead of weaker all the time?  
  
< Rachel, I...I can't. >  
  
Now she looked up at me, surprised. "Tobias? Is something wrong?"  
  
The sick part is, I wish something was. I wish I could scream, cry, say < I saw you cutting last period with Marco! > and have a reason to say, < It's over. > I want to know that there's some problem besides us changing beyond belief.  
  
< I don't think we should see each other any longer, > I said, finally. I didn't think I could.  
  
"What do you mean?" she asked, concern growing in her icy eyes.  
  
< Rachel, we've changed. You've not the person I knew...I'm not the person I was. > I paused, not for effect, but to gather the shambles of thought back in my head. < We aren't right for each other, anymore. >  
  
I wish I could take my words back at the look on her face. It burns into my memory, full of pain and hurt and ache. I can almost hear the snap of her trust breaking.  
  
Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost then never loved at all had never lost. Love is so much more plausible of an emotion when you're head over heels and never looking back. Love is so much better when you're looking at her, seeing her smile, and knowing everything will be all right. When love is lost, and you know it, there's this ache that gnaws at you, hollows you, and makes you little more than a shell. Love drove you for however long it was, whether it was moments or months or years, and when love's gone...you hurt. And you make others hurt by being around them.   
  
I want to say < it was a joke, I didn't mean it, > but I can't erase the hurt Rachel's feeling because of my words, ever.  
  
I waited for her verbal reaction. Maybe I turned her into stone, Pygmalion in reverse. She's breathing, but her eyes are glassy, seeing something beyond me. Maybe she's seeing the Tobias she knew, long ago.  
  
But that isn't me any longer, and I know it, and she knows it. And she isn't the Rachel I knew, and she knows it, and I know it.   
  
"Tobias..." Her voice is a whisper. "I..." She can't complete her thought.   
  
< I'm sorry, Rachel. I changed. I still... > She's not the only one having trouble completing her sentences. She knows that I loved her, I still have love for her -- but I don't unconditionally love her.  
  
It scares me, that love can be optional like this. But she's different. She's a fighter, and I'm not a reason she fights, I'm an excuse. She needs danger. I need solitude. The rifts between us...  
  
...cracked...  
  
"No. Don't." She took a deep breath. "Tobias, if you feel this way, I, I can't stop you."  
  
It kills me. She's so nice about it, and I just broke her heart. She's strong, like the girl I love -- but is she, or is she still protecting me?  
  
She still loves me. I can feel it, an additional pain. But the cracks in my mind, the wounds I feel, everything is too much, I can't deal with having to worry about her, too. I can't deal with anything..  
  
...I feel sick...  
  
< Rachel... > I started. Stopped. < I've got to go. >  
  
"Then go," she said. Her voice was strained. No foolish questions, will we still be friends, will we ever get back together? We're part of a team, we have to be able to stick together -- yet another reason why I shouldn't have told her, but too late now...  
  
I prepare to fly.  
  
"Tobias!" she called.  
  
I turn.  
  
Her blue eyes were warm and wet. She tried hard to smile, but I could see the pain in her face.  
  
"Tobias...I hope you'll be all right."  
  
Knowing I was making a mistake, knowing I was wrong, knowing knowing knowing but not caring any longer. I have to do this, I think. I flew away, not looking back.  
  
The last thing I hear is the crack of her window shutting.  
  
  
_  
~Dedicated to all of my friends and loved ones whom have had their hearts broken. My shoulder is always there for you to cry on.~  
  
_When I read over the fic, it seemed sort of childish and fairly naive in the perception of love. I do think it's one of my better works, though. Read and review, please, I do reply to the greater amount of my reviews that *aren't* one-liners. 


End file.
